Unexplainable French Grammar Rule: Part II

Hana's not been doing very well in French lately. Up to now, she has been picking things up with remarkable ease, but nowadays I see that not all is intuitive, even to "native" speakers like my daughter.

Her trouble nowadays has to do with imperative sentences - brush your teeth, roll up your sleeves, don't pick out the onions, put away your Nintendo right this minute, turn off the TV before I go ballistic. Actually I cannot blame her for having trouble with this, since although I utter the above imperative sentences multiple times in a given day, I never do so in French.

So I delegated and asked PeeWee to help her study this. He looked at her workbook, then he looked at her study guide book, then he consulted the conjugation bible, the Bescherelle. He was at this for a good 15 minutes without saying a word to Hana. Finally I asked him, what you don't understand either? He looked up all forlorn, and says, it doesn't make any sense!

To hear him utter these words in regards to the French language felt something like a victory to me.

So here is Unexplainable Rule #1 in Imperatives.

When you want to say "Slow down" - for example - to your kid riding a bicycle, you will say "Ralentis" - a straight conjugation of "ralentir" in the familiar "tu" person.

However, if you want to say "Turn right", because the verb "Tourner" ends in "-er", you don't just conjugate and say "Tournes a droite". You drop that "s" and say "tourne a droite".

WTF?

Wait, did I say, for verbs ending in "er"? Well, actually that is also the case for certain verbs (not all, God forbid) ending in "-ir", such as ouvrir, offrir, cueillir and souffrir.

Here is Unexplainable Rule example #2 of what can go wrong, taken from Hana's workbook:

"Le verbe aller ne prend pas de "s" a la 2eme personne du singulier, sauf vas-y"

So "go do your homework" would be "va faire les devoirs", but "go there" is "vas-y"

Why? No explanation. No apologies. All very characteristic of this language.

Note: the title of this post (and an earlier rant) was originally "Stupid French Grammar Rule" - I decided to be a bit less judgmental and changed "Stupid" to "Unexplainable" in the spirit of being more open-minded (in this case, however, being open-minded is accompanied by being open-mouthed at the stupidity of it all)

I say "Ouch", they say "Aie!"

One of my favorite English words is onomatopoeia. I love how it begins with a happy "o" and ends in what to me is sunny Brazilian-sounding "oeia"

Here are some English ones and their French equivalents that I've been hearing:


Yumm --> Miam

Yuck --> Beurk

Ruff ruff (as in dog) --> Ouah Ouah

Oink oink --> Groin groin

Quack quack --> Coin coin

Hey (as in, watch out, watch it, wait a minute) --> He ho (without pronouncing the "h"s, so it becomes eh, oh)

Achoo (as in sneeze) -- > Atchoum

Burp -- > Rot

Bang bang (as in gun) --> Plop plop

Wee woo wee woo (as in siren) --> pin pan pin pan


My all-time onomatopoeia however is in Korean. It is bogul-bogul - it denotes the sound made by a boiling liquid. As far as I know there is no equivalent in either English or French. And that is a shame!

What I learned from Watching the Olympics in France

1. Objectively speaking, France is not a proper powerhouse when it comes to the Olympics. You would think the French recognize this. However, their frustration of not having had a medal since Tuesday (today is Friday) was obvious from tonight's coverage. The presenters kept on going on and on about the medal-less streak and the interviewers in Vancouver questioned coaches and sometimes crying athletes to explain their less than stellar performances. One presenter said that he got an email from a man who wanted to name his just-born son for the next medal winner and that he is left hanging...

2. The French love Canadians! They try to find any and every Canadian that speaks French and they come right out saying things like "we love the way you speak French!", "what a cute accent you people have!". I heard one presenter remark that while the accent is really marked in conversations, French Canadians have no accent whatsoever when they are singing (example given: Celine Dion). Hmmm? I have to say, I myself have serious problems understanding Canadian French.

3. The number one thing you hear repeatedly from announcers: Oh-la-la, oh-la-la (usually in two's). Contrary to what many Americans may think, it's not just women who say oh-la-la. EVERYBODY says it (quite funny, for me at least, to go to an arcade where a bunch of tough looking French teenage boys are crying out oh-la-la!)

4. The number two thing that you hear repeatedly from announcers is "Chapeau!" - - literally, "Hat!" - After a while I figured out that what they mean to say is "Bravo" or "Fantastic". I guess crying out "hat" is short for "I tip my hat off to your amazing performance". Interesting.

The coverage tonight is going on, but they seem absolutely dejected that another night may go by without a French medal... Allez France!

"You want my picture?"

In the US, if you are annoyed that someone is discourteously staring at you, you would aggressively turn to that person and demand, in the most threatening tone you can muster, "what are you looking at?"

I learned that in France, what they say in this very same situation is somewhat less threatening - they say "tu veux ma photo, quoi?" - translation: "what, you want my picture?"

Speaking of, here is a recent one of the girls. You may stare all you want.

Things to do When on Bedrest #5: Find Long-Forgotten Photos

I'm still hanging out at home and today I was actually productive and cleaned out a lot of junk from my computer. I went through various photo files and got rid of a bunch of stuff. In so doing, I came across some pics that I thought I may share with you here.

I'd written previously about English words taken by the French to denote something entirely different, like "sh*t". Well, I came across the following in my neighborhood recently and I was a bit taken aback:

This is a tattoo parlor that opened up not too long ago. The name the store chose for itself is "Breizh Wankers Tattoo". Here is a sign on the door:

Breizh is Breton for someone or something from Brittany. A Breizh Wanker therefore would be a wanker from Brittany. Hmmm.

Granted, "wanker" is not a well known word in the US. I never even heard of it until I went to study in England. In England, however, it is a very often used term, derogatory for sure, and means a male masturbator. I saw a Graham Norton episode once where he gets a hold of the white pages of some US midwest state and he squealed in delight in finding several people last-named Wanker. He then proceeded to call them one by one, just to get the audience laughing as he asks for a Mr Wanker. Gwenyth Paltrow also pronounced the word very convincingly, very often, in her role as a London girl in Sliding Doors.

So I was convinced that either this tattoo parlor owner had no idea what a wanker means in English, or that it means something completely different in French. There is also the possibility of course that he knows exactly what a wanker is, and he is trying to be edgy and ironic, as one might expect tattoo parlor owners to be. Then I came across this, this time on the back window of a car parked near our apartment:

Apparently the Breizh Wanker Krew is a punk band.

If this keeps up, it won't be long until Hana asks me what a wanker is!

Things to do When on Bedrest #4: Make a Wishlist

Now that we are about to make another move, this time to a little island, I can't help but think that the move is going to be v expensive. It will get expensive, to be sure, to lug ourselves and all our stuff over there, but it will also get expensive because I keep on thinking about some things that I should buy BEFORE we leave. After all, who knows what we can and cannot find over there? Sure, it is a modern island where I am sure one can find just about anything you need, but can one find stuff that you don't necessarily need but just really really want?

For example:



I've always liked wall stickers and the one above is from a French company (www.harmonie-interieur.com) that ships lovely looking decals for FREE to mainland France. See?

Another example of what recently made it into my wishlist:



What are these? Well, they only just make the most perfect looking cake:




I'm quite sure there is no William & Sonoma in St Martin! See how forward-thinking I am? There are lots of other cool bakeware at this store too... Of course, I did once splurge on the ice cream cone baking pan there and only used it to bake once (though they are super for laying out candy at the kids' birthday parties).

So while I am on this non-essential but lovely-to-have list, check this out, courtesy of coffeestencil.com:



Imagine that to brighten up your morning cappucino!

Who says I ain't productive on bedrest?

Things to do When on Bedrest #3: Veg

My great friend C sent me the DVDs of Lipstick Jungle, the NBC show with Brooke Shields that was cancelled after two seasons. I had already watched the pilot episode (it was free on iTunes at one point) and I thought it was ok, so I was happy to have some time to watch the whole thing.

The following are some things I learned from my Lipstick Jungle marathon:

1. I miss New York very much. All those images of NYC in lights, people moving busily in all directions, the skyscrappers in sunlight... I didn't cry or anything, but I definitely felt something tugging. It's telling that the episode I liked the least is when they went away to that B&B somewhere in the Hudson Valley.

2. Successful NY women do not feel compelled to match their earrings with their necklaces. This was a huge relevation for me, personally. I always try to ensure that if I wear a bold necklace, I don't clash it with earrings so I always go with small studs or no earrings at all. Well, Nico and Wendy would have it no other way. I was wowed (but not personally convinced).

3. Successful NY women do not take off their jewelry when they are at home. Wendy is always wearing her big rings in bed. Victory wins here though - she takes off her huge clip-on earrings AFTER her escapades with Bob the Builder, and did I mention they were clip-ons?

4. Successful NY women do not worry about losing their bags. When they were stranded on a rural highway and Joe's two cars came to get them, Nico ran into the other car with just her handbag and Wendy just went in with nothing at all. They did not worry about their luggage staying behind in their rental car that needs to be towed away to some remote town hours from NYC.

5. Andrew McCarthy has a pout that I am not sure is intentional, and when he combines the said pout with a slight squint, I find the overall look somewhat disturbing.

6. Brooke Shields is a giant. I feel sorry for men like Sal who has so many scenes with her.

7. Lindsey Price is 1/2 Korean. That makes me like her a bit more than I would have normally, I guess.


Back to vegging. I've already finished three books in my two weeks. Life is good.